Is emotional connection necessary for sexual attraction?

Silhouette of kissing girl and guy

Have you ever wondered why you are still single and why most friends around are married or involved? Have you been asked questions like ‘You are beautiful and amazing but why cant you still manage to find a partner? Have you been questioned on how abnormal you are?’

I’ve found it quite annoying when people question me on being single, I see most people think that when you are single you are alone and lonely but the matter of the fact is I’m single for a reason. Reason is simple, its a choice I’ve made. I’m picky and cant just be with any random person.

The world we are living in is too fast for me now to catch up on. Sometimes I feel I just don’t belong here and even question myself if there is something seriously wrong with me!

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I park my car at the petrol station to fill up and by the time I get back to my car I find a note with a number sitting on it..’Can we go on a date? call me:)’; Go for social salsa and within a couple of minutes of chat guy is on his knees and asking to marry him!! Wow! Of course I’m not dumb enough to know that its just the guy trying to get in my pants but hey how is it so easy for people to approach like this without even knowing a bit about me is what I used to ponder about until recently.

A few years back a relatively concerned friend of mine made a profile for me on matrimony website without informing me as he really thought it was about time I should be with someone, he was eventually successful in convincing me to meet people from the website. I didn’t know that my friend was actually keeping a tab on the number of guys I had met. He was upset that I didn’t have any checkbox or any desired criteria and that I met guys twice my size or who were bald or had long beard. I clearly didn’t worry about the looks of the guy or what he did and my friend was unable to understand why and how this was the case. He felt that I took meeting each of those guys as a joke but in reality I was giving a chance to myself to explore and find that right click which fortunately didn’t happen. I quit my search as a lot of time was being wasted in the process.

This time there was another question raised- ‘Is something wrong with every guy I met or is something wrong with me big time ?’

My brother has always asked me to put it down on a piece of paper on what I want and he was also ridiculed by the fact that I met up with bald guys, I explained that looks didn’t matter to me, I’ve now begun to realise that for most people it is the looks that matters and that’s why its so hard for them to get the concept of finding a ‘click’ or ‘connection’. Another question I asked myself-‘ Is it really so important to focus on looks, if yes why it doesn’t bother me?’ I can definitely not imagine spending the rest of my life with a great looking guy but has no personality or attributes that I would love him for, looks don’t last forever…. I look for inner beauty of the soul and trust me its hard to find.

A lot of times my friends have suggested to just have a fling but I don’t feel comfortable with the thought itself. When my close ones ask me about my sexual desires and how do I deal with such feelings and my answer is I don’t have that kind of appetite for it, I’ve even been told that perhaps I should get myself checked as I sounded absolutely abnormal. And mind you some of these friends are female so self doubt and questions kept popping in my head if I was actually indeed abnormal.

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After a gap of 3 years I recently started dating again and met up with a lot of guys yet again. Guys from different races- Australian, German, Indian, Kiwi, British, French, Italian, Roman, Kurdish, Pakistan, however this time I met up only with the good looking and hot guys to check out if the outer beauty would influence me into liking someone. But my story remained the same. I just can’t seem to like anyone so much that I could be prepared to get close to someone. Question time again-‘Why on earth do I’ve to be so picky, not like I’m Miss Universe or something?’

 Dating can be really hard, especially if you date an Italian haha as they just want to kiss you the very first time you meet, considering the kind of person I’m its obviously not a possible option and it can be quite awkward situation. Finally, it was about time to stop asking questions and finding the answers….

After talking and self analysing, in 32 years of my life so far I’ve never felt sexually attracted to any random person walking on the street or in college or at work, I never found myself interested in conversations where sex was the topic. Been in relationship twice in my life, kissed about five guys, it’s not actually a lack of interest in sex or sexual attraction, what it is is that I need an emotional bond prior. You gotta be able to touch me before you touch me! The answer to all my questions was simple-I’m DEMISEXUAL.

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I don’t get attracted to just anyone, for me to develop that attraction I need to know someone, I need to be able to see that person as a friend first and then get to know that person. Most people are so fast these days that obviously the getting to know part doesn’t happen and obviously I cant just give in to just any body just because he looks hot as clearly looks don’t attract me, it’s the personality-the inner soul.

Demisexuals can’t just have sex, they make love and from what I understand from my own self, I can madly love sex but what is crucial is who I do it with. It can be only a special person that I can connect with that I can surrender myself to and that’s not abnormal!

So if you’ve been asking these aforementioned questions to yourself or are tired of people asking you such questions, I think its time to just self analyse, you might just be same as me, a demisexual and there is nothing wrong with that. We make our choices so we don’t get hurt. In the end all that matters is to be ‘happy’.

When I’m asked if I’m single my answer is always, NO, I’m happily single:)

I love and live my life everyday. Having been diagnosed with a mental disorder purely because I stay happy, I'm checking to see how sane I'm ! I love nature, bushwalking camping and love to dance salsa. I wish to travel the world , every nook and corner ...

2 Comments

    • Rashmija

      August 6, 2016 at 12:38 am

      Hey Rachael,
      Upon contemplating on why sex topic doesn’t interest me so much even though I do love sex when its the right person and why I cant just think of one night stand or flings unlike most people, why I need to know the person first…I got deep into search and realised that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, its normal:) Thanks for reading:) Have a lovely wekkend

      Reply

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